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| If you're a primary breadwinner, how has that impacted you? |
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| As the hit show "Desperate Housewives" returns with stay-at-home mom Lynette transforming into not only a working mom, but the primary breadwinner. It made us want to know: if you're a primary breadwinner, how has that impacted you? Your spouse? Your kids |
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| Name |
LK |
| Location |
North Brunswick, New Jersey |
| Comment |
Being the primary breadwinner has had it's ups and downs. It has provided a good life for my family but I sometimes feel like I miss out on alot of my childrens school activities that happen during normal work hours. But I try to substitute it by being a part of extra circular activities on the weekends when I can participate. |
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| Name |
MB |
| Location |
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| Comment |
I knew going into the marriage that I would be the major breadwinner and after three years it has been a strain. We have a two year old son and I am just now getting my husband to help me more around the house. It hasn't been easy, but I think things will get better! |
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| Name |
CK |
| Location |
Montclair, NJ |
| Comment |
Although my husband does work, I earn significantly more than he and I commute to Manhattan and he works close to home. It's created a challenging dynamic between my husband and I but it has been amazing for the family as we both come home by 6:15 (impossible in the burbs!). He's now a much more involved father and we have a much more balanced relationship. His at home contributions have gone up a lot which has helped even out the balance. It even is beginning to really work for all of us. |
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| Name |
JM |
| Location |
Sayreville, NJ |
| Comment |
It has been horrible being the main breadwinner. Partly b/c my salary isn't enough to pay the bills but partly b/c my husband doesn't have dinner ready most nights, doesn't keep things organized, etc... If our marriage lasts it will be a miracle. Men need work to have an identity and they need money to have a sense of power more so often than women do. I would love to stay at home but that will never happen. |
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| Name |
BM |
| Location |
Baltimore, MD |
| Comment |
My Husband & I are equal breadwinners, but I have more opportunity for commission and bonus options and take advantage of them frequently to boost our "fun-money". My husband's always been in Non-profit Work, so going into the marriage we knew that his passion for this type of work would not lead to dollar signs or increases often. Unfortunately in my line of work and expertise, travel has been a small portion but growing part of my requirements which often strains the relationship. Although he also travels, his perception of my travel is unnecessary. So, I tend to limit my growth opportunities so not to upset the delicate balance we have going. |
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| Name |
VMHS |
| Location |
Bronx, New York |
| Comment |
While my husband and I both work I am the primary breadwinner and at times its hard because I feel as if I use all of my earnings for the home, bills, etc. while he uses his frivolously and this causes problems every day payday. As far as our children go (we have two beautiful boys), we are lucky to have my mom watch the youngest one and we are both lucky enough to have weekends off spending as much time with them as possible. |
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| Name |
MB |
| Location |
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| Comment |
I have been the primary breadwinner throughout our 9 years of marriage and suspect that will continue. My husband is a school teacher. My husband is happy for me to make more - he just ses it as money going into our family pot. I do feels the strings being pulled though with our 6 year old - sometimes I wish I could be around more in her life. But it is hard to do that and be successful at work. |
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| Name |
DA |
| Location |
Paramus, NJ |
| Comment |
We knew before we were married that I would be the main bread winner for the family. My husband works much closer to home and we have created a good balance of responsibilities. The scales do tip more in his direction sometimes, but he does not communte 3 hours a day. Women tell me I am lucky that my husband does so much. If the tables were turned, no one would ever tell a man he was lucky if he wife did so much. When will society change? |
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| Name |
LSL |
| Location |
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| Comment |
I've been the sole breadwinner in our 13 years of marriage. Neither one of us ever expected this to be the case -- and certainly, not for this length of time. The first few years, we were expecting that he would be able to "turn a corner" any day. The next 5-7 years have been filled with resentment on my part, and pride/ frustrations on my husband's part -- him resisting stepping up to the plate and helping out more around the house, my pent-up anger of having to handle everything, including our young daughter. Recently, we've come to a place of resolution. He's doing more around the house. I've accepted my "lot" in life and try to focus on my blessings rather than my unmet needs. My fear is that this attitude of acceptance (on both our parts) means complacence. And, with complacence, goes any chance of things ever getting better. My husband's decided that he's not going to overturn every stone anymore and that if "God" decides to bestow grace on him, then so it shall be. If not, we'll just have to continue like this indefinitely. I desperately yearn for a forum to exchange thoughts/ frustrations with other working moms like me. |
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| Name |
TEU |
| Location |
San Diego, CA |
| Comment |
I've been the primary breadwinner for the last 10 years and I never envisioned this for our family. It has ups and downs. I earn well over double what my husband does. It's great to have the financial security, but is tough when it requires me to travel. When I'm home, I work min. 55 hr wks, and at times 70 hr. I'm in sales, so the more I work, the more I earn. My husband supports my efforts - if roles were reversed, I'd support him too. He works for Fed. Govt. so his sched. is very consistent and he has that great federal holiday schedule. That really helps me out a lot. We buy help, which I manage - housekeeper, gardener, personal asst. We need outside help b/c my husband, despite his easier schedule and less pressure-filled job, would not do these things on his own. An ongoing point of contention in our marriage. When I talk to him about doing more, he counters that I need to manage the help more efficiently or get replacements. When it comes to parenting, he is a great dad to our 5-year old. However, his parenting style is more babysitter than parent. He tends to skip baths, meals are haphazard, allows our daughter to watch more TV - I think you women know the rest. When we argue about this, I tell him that if he were our babysitter, I'd fire him. Sometimes, it does seem like too much. Most of the time, I see it as just "my life." I got a more complex straw when the straws were drawn. I too enjoy the financial benefits of my work, and I feel that I'm setting a positive example for my daughter, most of the time. My schedule is flexible and I can take time off during the week to spend with her. Sometimes, though, I'm afraid that she'll want to drop out of high school, get married and pregnant and be a stay at home mommy - all because of me!!! I'm glad that this topic was introduced. I've enjoyed reading everyone's comments. |
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| Name |
TEU |
| Location |
San Diego CA |
| Comment |
Here's an interesting question for all of you - are you the closet breadwinner? My husband doesn't like people knowing that it's me, not him, that brings home the supersize bacon. Normally, I don't mind. It's nobody's business. But, he works in a construction-related field, and it's a little irritating to be seen as "the little woman." |
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| Name |
LSL |
| Location |
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| Comment |
Yup, I'm a "closet breadwinner" as well. So another fallout from this? Is that we don't socialize. Yes, fortunately, I make good money as well. And, my husband is not handy, not detail-oriented, not good at hiring help. (You may be wondering what in the world am I doing in this relationship. I ask myself that question often. This guy is incredibly smart & talented in business. The problem is that he just can't bring it together. Key issues: ego + lack of attention to detail.) So, we hire help as well -- housekeeper, gardener, handymen. In the past, I've hired nannies, etc. And yes -- I manage about 85% of this. (He hired someone to paint the house recently.)
And, yes, I have gripes about how he manages the household while I'm working, how he cares for our 10 year old when I'm out. In a word, he's lazy & disinterested. He spends roughly 35% of his waking time on the computer (maybe 1/2 of that doing job search stuff), 35% on the TV (on the poker channel), 20% of time on household stuff (he does the shopping, prepares dinner 1/3 of the time, does the dishes, picks our daughter up from school), and 10% of the time at the gym. After a full, stressful day at the office, I throw stuff into my bag that I didn't get to at work to be at home at a decent time for dinner. I rush around to prepare veggies or a side dish to complement the hunk of meat my husband threw on the BBQ, help to clean up after dinner, spend a little time with my daughter. Half the time, I spend the evenings paying bills, doing the work I brought home. The other half the time, I'm so zonked that I just feel like zoning out in front of the TV. |
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| Name |
ntp |
| Location |
bronx, ny |
| Comment |
I am the only breadwinner b/c I am a single mom. Had I been together with my son's dad I still would have been the primary "breadwinner" and he would be totally okay with it. And I would do my best to make sure my son was not made aware of that b/c I think it would alter his thinking of things. |
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| Name |
PM |
| Location |
NY, NY |
| Comment |
Wow! I nearly cried reading many of these posts which really reasonated with me. I didn't anticipate being the primary breadwinner when I married and frankly I am not enjoying it. I don't really want to be a stay at home mom but I have found that I resent not having that choice. I would like to work in a job filled with less stress, less pressure and less hours. Those of course come with less money - which is something we can't spare right now. My husband has his own business and there has basically been little to no income the past few years. This is an odd situation because he works so hard and so many hours but since 9/11 has had little to show for it. Like many moms said here - I could live with that if I was more comfortable with how he did things. Exactly like someone else here -time with our child is a lot of TV watching. Baths are apparently optional as are home cooked meals. There is a lot of pizza and chinese when he is "on". The house is a mess when I come home and we are not ready for the next day or even for that evening. I have a new appreciation for men's historical role in society though - it really isn't a nice feeling to have the financial weight of a family on your shoulders. It also isn't nice to feel you have to stay in a job you don't love. Men have felt like that for decades I suppose - I really see them and their pressures in a new way. That said - I have decided that I need a wife! Right now I feel like the Man in the Grey Flannel suit by day and 1950's Suzy Homemaker by night. I was speaking to my mother who said, "Sometimes I wonder if our fight for equality was a good thing for our daughters?" An interesting thought - we have gained so much - but after reading these posts - we have only heaped new responsibilities onto our plates. What came off? |
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| Name |
DSA |
| Location |
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| Comment |
This is a terrific topic and may also be a growing trend in the US as more mothers work full-time and have graduate cegrees, more industry experience, etc. I was the primary breadwinner in my first marriage and although that was not the main reason our marriage failed, money management was something we could not agree on. My strong belief is that dual-career families can ''sequence'' during a lifetime with each parent taking time to spend more time at home, accept a promotion/take more responsibility, and possibly even start a business together! I do agree that some men's ego are closely tied with their jobs and the amount of money that they earn and that any successful couple can ''learn'' how to be a strong team, including money management and financial planning, regardless of who the primary breadwinner is. A good book is ''Smart Couples Finish Rich.'' |
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| Name |
SS |
| Location |
NYC |
| Comment |
At 7 months pregnant my husband got laid off and has been "consulting" ever since. 3 years later and the consulting has dried up and I am the closet bread winner. I, like alot of these women never envisioned it but am thankful that I have a salary that allows for a live in nanny since my husbands meetings tend to be scheduled in the later part of the day forcing me to rush out out work. I enjoy immensely my career but am frustrated by his lack of consideration for the fact that in order to continue to advance that I can't run out the door at 6:30pm. I don't understand why he doesn't think allowing me to be successful benefits us all.You would think that my husband would give the same support expected (make dinner, get the kids settled in)he would have of me. Yet it always seems to be that I don't understand that he needs to have these meetings when it is convenient for these other people. Hasn't anyone heard of breakfast or lunch meetings!? |
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| Name |
JJS |
| Location |
Woodstock, GA |
| Comment |
I am the primary breadwinner in our household not through choice but necessity. I currently hold down a full time that requires travel and part time job on the weekends,just to meet the bills (the house needs a new roof). My husband has been offered promotions on many occassions and turns them down consistently-he has recently stated that he feels life is to short not to enjoy what he does. No this is not how I envisioned my life. I wanted my marriage to be a true partnership with give and take on both sides. When we had small children we both worked and I got them to football, ballet, cheerleading, wrestling etc weekly. Now the children are grown and out of college and you would think that things would even out a bit more. He honestly thinks he is helping when he washes, drys and throws the clothes on the table to be folded--when I get time. Dishes get done when I have the time and I always feel that I never quite manage to do enough. We are now at the point where we do not talk. I get home and he goes to the other end of the house to watch a TV program. I get dinner fixed and he comes and gets his plate and goes back to the other end of the house. I would love to have things as they were when we were first married-time just for the two of us to spend together--unfortunately, both of us wanted that then and now I am just not sure where I stand and my footing is on very unsteady ground as time proceeds. |
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| Name |
MSL |
| Location |
Michigan |
| Comment |
I don't believe that the main breadwinner should be given to the person that brings home the most money. To me, the main breadwinner is the one that does the most work. You see, I have 2 full-time jobs. I work 40 hours a week for a large company although my day-job ends at 5:00, that is when my next full-time job starts. I'm the mother of 4 (3 kids & a full grown man). Lunch breaks are used to run errands. I'm lucky, I live 6 minutes from work. Now on my lunch breaks, I run home to toss a load in the washer/dryer and start dinner on the days that I don't Crock-Pot-It. It's a lot of running around, but we all know how much we can get done when nobody is around. This makes the rest of my "Suzie-Homemaker" schedule run much smoother by the time I get home. My relaxation time? When everyone goes to bed! |
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| Name |
SRR |
| Location |
Bethesda, MD |
| Comment |
As an independent, pushy, proactive woman, I always expected, and wanted, to be a breadwinner. I purposely married a man who believed in a true partnership. I just never knew how becoming a mom would change all of my values. I make more than my husband, not ridiculously more, but more. And he does not make enough to allow me the luxury of taking time off or stepping back. I don't like the person I've become when I harass him to make more money or help out more. These are choices I made - on purpose. But who knew that when I became a mom, that would be the only job I wanted. My career goals... honestly... don't care. Not right now. I find myself desiring life in the 50's. The sort of life I used to write derisive essays in college about as I built my feminist values. I find that I have to remind myself of the values my husband possesses that some of the other poster's husbands (or lack thereof) don't. Thank you for sharing your stories and your frustrations. We are not alone. |
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| Name |
JB |
| Location |
South Orange, NJ |
| Comment |
7 years ago my husband had his owned business he lived in the city, dressed well, enjoyed life but was very unhappy with where the business was heading. His dream was to go back to school and get his masters and phd. in business. We had just gotten married and being the supportive wife said "honey follow your dreams we will be okay". He closed the business and went back to school full time and since then I became the Primary Breadwinner! It's been a long journey some ups (two wonderful kids) lot's of lows (had to go out and get a second job for a little while). He only has a few months to finish he is now working full time, but just told me that he may want to take an additional semester to finish. Oh my I love my husband dearly and know the differance he will continue to make in the world once he is done but at that moment I had a vision of hurting him. I want the life I thought I would have when we met, not a fancy one but a comfortable one. It seems we took a few steps backwards in order to move one forward. I am a stronger and wiser women for what I have done in the last 7 years. I look forward to what we can create in the future on "his" dime...Good Luck to all who single handed make it happen... |
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